ECONOMICALS CRICKET CLUB

08/05/10 - John Fisher 248, Economicals 122

As last season, the Comics began with a scratch side getting thumped by John Fisher, though unlike last year there were some decent moments. Will and Archie bowled very well, some good stops were made in the field, with Rob chasing around like the randy dog he is, and Roan cleaned up at the end with the help of 'Trigger' Lloydy, who dished out a trio of LBWs in revenge for getting a firm drive hit up his pipe on what was the coldest day in history, and wetter than a Travelodge encounter. The first half was not without its comedy moments though. Parth made an early bid for the role of Asian Shenners, but what else could you expect from a combination of being one of Archie's gems, being a child, and being picked up and groomed by Archie on the tube. Straussy's missus has a right to know about Del-Boy's deviant ways. I would like to say nothing else happened in the field, but the skipper was guilty of a minor misfield towards the end. A routine two somehow became four as the cannon arm of Coops unleashed a misfire that not only went nowhere near the stumps, but also ended up nearer to Coops than anyone else. Luckily it was two of John Fisher's more 'senior' players, so only four were run. Refreshing to see among those mocking were fielding greats James 'less agile than Ratboy' Healy, the waddling Llama, Colonel Phil and Roan, who goes down with less style than a Travelodge guest.

Batting was patchy as always. Much like last season Conroy Taylor ripped through the top order and our four newbies made 0 between them. Roan looked good for his 30, Will smashed a few around and Rob ground his way to 18. Gonna be a long season...

The Comics got on the board in game two of the season with an ultimately comfortable win over top-flight new boys Battersea Ironside. Victory certainly looked improbable after the first hour - Coops was persuaded to bat first by his brainless teammates, and the Comics were swiftly five down against disciplined bowling but no more than that. Coops played a horror shot, and when Ian fell for a well-made 20 on debut the game looked up. However, the return of the Macc wrote another chapter in his unlikely life story with a terrific innings to make it back-to-back hundreds. Unlike last year's fortuitous effort, the bi-curious Kiwi took time to get in and gradually began to dominate, given perfect foil by debutant Ali, who unleashed some graceful flicks and drives. The sixth wicket stand of 164 came in double-quick time and turn the game on its head. Ali fell LBW but Macca continued to move through the gears and reach a second ton in two games, much to the delight of everyone except the jealous Coops. Macca finally fell for 127 but 280 looked as though it should be enough.

Tristan struck in his first over but then inexplicably dropped dangerman Halpin off his own bowling and Battersea started to tick along well. A change of ends from the llama brought success though, as Will took three wickets in four overs from the pavilion end to put the Comics well on top. Battersea kept in touch though and so Coops turned to his batting heroes to bring the game home. Ali turned out to be a bit of a revelation, with some top offspin bowling, and removed another Battersea star with a stunning caught and bowled to make the game safe. Macca and Ali finished with three wickets apiece and in the end the margin of victory was very comfortable. Special mention too to Ian aka Stifler's little brother. Standing up to pretty much everyone, he kept the batsmen in their crease and stopped them launching big strokes (even if he did drop about 10 catches). And as always celebrations continued long into the night, except for Rob who went home to sit under a giant thumb.

The visit of high-flying Sheen Park saw another miraculous win for the Comics at a baking-hot Berrylands. With Sheen Park having rattled up two huge totals already, it seemed a bad toss for Coops to lose, and a long day was in store with the in-form Dunisinghe and the dangerous Jayman in the top three. But Will was his usual reliable self and Archie continued to show how the nets had paid off, as Sheen struggled from ball one. Will snaffled the ton machine early on and Archie removed Jay thanks to a stunning catch at mid-off by Brett. Iain took a sharp catch standing up to Archie and when Phil popped his wicket cherry the Comics were well on top. But Sheen Park bat deep and they continued to keep the scoring rate respectable, as the wheels began to come off on a hot day in the field. Some comedy moments from Macca and Will were topped off when Rob's boundary slide knocked over a passer-by. Sheen had recovered well and were looking set to post a competitive score, but Rob's direct hit from square leg raised spirits once again, and Coops grabbed three wickets late on to leave a challenging but very gettable 214 to win.

Of course nothing is gettable for the Comics top order these days. Maru fell early and Coops' horror run continued when well caught in the slips. Iain dug in for a while but fell in the 20s again, and when Macca joined the list of big guns on each side to fail on the flat deck first ball, a heavy defeat loomed as Roan stepped the the crease. The big man has looked in good form this year, and began to crash the ball to all parts, aided by the slow but steady Brett, as the Comics dragged their way back into the game with a partnership of 85. Roan had by now suffered a hamstring strain, and out of all the athletes in the hutch somehow Coops, already changed and on the beers, had to go out and run for the lazy fat oaf. Tofty and Will chipped in with useful runs, while the fully rested Roan continued to stand and deliver to edge closer to a shock victory. But still 40 were needed with two wickets left when Phil strode to the crease. He struggled to put bat on ball but some inventive running got the total down to 6 off the last over with Roan at the wrong end on 99. Phil chose to play the Graham Thorpe role to Roan's more physically and mentally fragile version of Alex Tudor, and crashed two fours to seal a special win.

The Comics celebrated the only way they know how, by spending £85 on dominos pizza, which was enjoyed by hardly anyone, especially the strapping Aussie Will, who is scared of cheese. The sight of him peeling a pizza base in half is only slightly more ridiculous than the sight of him fielding, mused Coops, as he spent the following day, the hottest day of the year, shivering on his toilet while suffering meltdown burns.

A heavy downpour just before the start meant no play was possible - a bit annoying as we had all trekked all the way to Woodmansterne. Thorns seemed not overly keen to play, but then again nor were we, so perhaps the right result. And so at two pm seven intrepid Comics were off to the local Hungry Horse to see how much garbage they could shovel down themselves this week. Phil played a blinder in getting the order right, though it helps not having the freaky eater Will the Llama putting a line through half the menu. Coops and the returning Ratboy went for the hell's chicken burger, with the skipper polishing off the 20-ring stacker with minimal help, while fat bastards Tom and Tofty went for the artery-busting High and Mighty burger - Tofty unusually choosing two fried eggs, when we all know he prefers juicy melons. Rob entertained with the tale of how he is conning a gumtree lovely with the promise of a fake modelling job (google images goldie brunette to see who'll be getting a crossbow bolt this week), but surely he could woo her without the lies, using just his pink-headed, pig-faced, eyelash-lacking good looks? Coops made an early exit and returned home to show the wife a good time. It lasted no longer than his innings this season, but at least at the end of this there was only one person laughing. 

05/06/10 - Wimbledon Corinthians 230, Economicals 115

An incident-packed game to say the least. Coops won the toss and chose to see how the South Africans of Wimbledon Corinthians would fair on an undulating track. The Llama was his usual metronomic self, finishing with ridiculous figures of 9-3-10-0, but the other bowlers gave too many easy shots to a pair of batsmen who were waiting for the bad ball, such that they reached 81 before a quality leg-side stumping from Iain broke the partnership (not before Will had a catch behind turned down. A catch at second slip). From there the wickets came at regular intervals, but Wimbledon kept the scoreboard ticking and ended with 230, which was a very good score on a tricky pitch. Oats rolled back the years and battled gamely up the slope to finish with four, while Tofty also grabbed four, showing the benefits of line and length. Fielding was patchy, with Rob and Phil getting direct hits and making some great stops, while Healy had a nightmare, probably unable to see as his KKK hat had slipped, and Macca dropped a catch off Coops, which he found no need to comment on.

Batting was a familiar tale. Iain fell for a duck and Coops' horror run continued. Wickets fell seemingly every other over and at 53-9 humiliation beckoned. It was a shambolic effort against decent bowling but certainly nothing amazing, and only Mohit could feel hard done by due to the wicket (indeed the opponents suffered more from the pitch than we did). On a day of few positives, Phil showed how it was done with a classy 42 as he and Oats put on 60 odd for the final wicket to grab a couple of unexpected batting points. Phil's elevation up the batting order is now assured, and he will go as high as his dog-friendly shrieking girl's voice.

Sadly there were a couple of unsavoury incidents to report, as the Comics managed to offend both the opposition and umpires at various points. Frustration was understandable on a hot day - to see the sort of rage from Tofty that would only normally be seen when a Griffin girl demanded a second pound coin, you know things are not right! In this standard of cricket, players who smash the cover off the ball and just stand there are not playing the game in the right spirit as far as I'm concerned, while we were on the wrong end of a few baffling decisions, but plenty of our team don't walk either, while we have also been on the right end of some decisions in our time, so a bit more self-control is needed from certain individuals.

Some burnt bridges were reconstructed to some extent post-match as the Comics took their chances on the Corinthians' booze funnel. This was something else they were better than us at, with Phil getting a faceful of creamy foam and Coops choking on a hose not for the first time in their lives (though none of us puked afterwards, like a certain opposition skipper who shall remain nameless).  So overall, a bit of a car crash, to be followed on the way home for Coops by an actual car crash, as he was part of a three-vehicle pile-up on Putney Hill. Luckily no damage was done, but our intrepid hero, flush with an amber glow, did what he did the last time he was involved in a multiple-person incident ending with someone getting their backdoor smashed in, and made his excuses and left. Can't be getting more penalty points than runs...

Osterley are always a fine bunch to play, and with relationships seemingly not soured by the antics of the pervy, puking 'Richmond Six' last October, a jolly time was had by all. But this was also a must-win game, and with Osterley weakened by the loss of Shirsat and other key men, defeat was unthinkable. For once the Comics got off to a decent start, with Coops, who looks big in his whites (maybe he still had the box on), and Phil adding 31, but the skipper's now-traditional early demise was followed by the standard middle order collapse, and at 62-5 disaster loomed. Macca and Roan continued their good form with the bat to recover things, but some poor shot selection left the Comics precariously placed at 148-9. Archie's frenetic lobbying of the skipper to get a promotion up the order had got him from 11 to 10, and he showed Coops how it's done by blasting 50 in ridiculous time, perhaps down to his powerful guns, or maybe the tree he uses instead of a bat. With help from Ratboy the last wicket put on 74 in seven overs to turn the game on its head, and 222 was likely to be enough.

After a fine tea, Archie quickly grabbed two wickets, while Roan was luckless at the other end as Ratboy dropped a sitter on his return behind the stumps. Osterley blasted some boundaries and kept up with the rate, but just when things were beginning to look iffy Tofty took a ridiculous caught and bowled, showing some NBA-style hang time (NBA usually standing for No Booby Action where our shy loner is concerned - hi Alan). Again Osterley recovered to leave the game in the balance, but Macca and Tofty grabbed three wickets each as the home side collapsed to lose their last six wickets for eight runs.  Straussy snaffled a sharp chance in the gully on his return, and the cherub's new slimline look and upcoming CFA qualification will surely keep Mrs Strauss keen on him, with Archie's sporting prowess and rippling muscles unlikely to turn her head, because "girls like a nice guy", according to those well known nice guys Macca, Roan and Rob. Talking of Rob, another failure at the crease led him to redraw his bet with Roan to add a fielding component. Two catches and a run out for Roan later made the match fee for Rob £68, and he was last seen heading for Whitechapel in a handsome cab as he had "streets to clean".

The rest of the team bar the Ripper headed for Berrylands to watch the England game, and with KFC in one hand, lager in the other, it was pretty sweet. Except for Phil. Like Macauley Culkin but with a higher voice, it seemed he had been left at Tolworth and was waiting for the train home. Fortunately his kindred spirit Tofty went and got him, and we were joined by Damian from Osterley in the Shenners role for an evening of chicken, lager and Papa Johns. And what a shock it was for the Comics to see an Englishman wearing gloves fumbling a routine ball. Fabio Capello may well recall McBain for the Algeria game... 

The Comics returned to Tolworth Court for a second week with a much-weakened side anticipating a heavy defeat against league champions Abahani, and Coops arrived to find Phil at the ground already - perhaps he hadn't left since last week. A heavy defeat did indeed ensue, but for large parts the Comics competed well. Coops lost the toss and the Comics took to the field with 10, with the skipper donning the gloves as Ratboy prepared for a new career fondling 17-year-old girls by taking his driving examiner test. The committed and punctual Samir and Aasim turned up late by cab, and by the end of the day Birdy would have happily put them on his list, but more of that later.

Archie bowled a fine opening spell, but Samir went for four fours off his first four balls and Abahani were off to a flyer. Wickets fell fairly regularly, with Archie and Oats both grabbing three, and Phil claiming a second scalp for the season when forcing an Abahani bat to slip on some marbles before falling onto his stumps after being hit by a tin of beans. However, runs also flowed (mainly through Straussy at gully, who by the end of the day looked like a cruxifiction victim) and the Comics could not quite finish the job, with Abahani making 257, which was always likely to be 100 too many. Coops was virtually flawless in 23 overs behind the stumps, while Ratboy missed the fourth ball he saw. Could Shenners be a better option? Maybe. Macca? Ahh now I'm just being silly.

Abahani's strength is their bowling, but Coops and Phil saw off a testing new ball spell and put on 76 for the first wicket. Sadly the collapse followed. Aasim was run out, which happens if you don't actually move, Rob fell for a fiver (having spent 45 overs in the field shying at the stumps desperate to gain ground on Roan, and then losing what's left of his money at Woodies post-match on the quiz machine - where unbelievably he is even worse than Thicko Roan at that), while Archie earned a demotion with a first-baller. Phil deserves credit for a stoic, boundary-free 35, before rushing to the shower, getting changed and hiding in Coops' boot to avoid last week's fate. He tried Ratboy's boot first but it was already full of learners rolled up in carpets, while Tofty crashed his car the other week, before turning the gun on himself.

Special mention to Samir. 'The Kebab King' did not let us down, highlights being the four fours in a row, spending the last 25 overs of our fielding checking the Pakistan score on his blackberry, some Fudge-tastic fielding, including the drop of the century, and only running his own runs while batting. This is nothing new of course, but Samir raised the bar this time by not only not paying, but also borrowing a tenner off the skipper to pay for the taxi. Tofty almost snapped.

The Comics blew a big chance to upset high-flying Old Thorntonians with a dreadful collapse and some poor fielding. Coops won the toss and chose to bat on a smooth home deck, hoping to continue his return to form which began of late with some powerful strokes in an away game on a ragged surface. The skipper was dropped first ball behind the wicket, as was Phil, but he soon fell. Coops started to spray it all over the covers again and Healy looked in good nick, before playing a loose stroke, which would be the theme of the day. The Comics were soon 70-4, but Coops and Roan got together for what should have been a match-winning stand. Unusually Coops was happy with singles, while Roan smashed plenty of £4 shots out of Dunster's wallet (now empty but for Rohypnol and a Majingoes loyalty card), and the Comics reached 166-4 against a wilting Thorns attack with 15 overs left. Then it went wrong. Coops cut to gully, Roan went next ball and then Archie, having crossed the velvet boundary rope without queuing courtesy of his MetCard, confirmed his demotion by returning two balls later following a dreadful shot. Calmness was required but Tofty and Straussy were still edgy after the game on Tuesday night when they were unsettled by some saggy West Indian bouncers, and they too were unable to pull the game back. Six wickets had fallen for 15 and the Comics were at least 50 runs short of what was easily achievable.

Thorns went off like a scalded cat against the visibly deflated Comics, but Will and Archie got into their strides and we created plenty of half-chances that would need to be taken if Comics were to have a shout of winning. However, Straussy put down a sharp one at gully - I don't know why he was smirking, the RETARD - and Healy would later be forced to drink the bone after laying an egg at third man. Phil the squeaky eagle almost pulled off a stunner at square leg, the smirking retard missed another and Coops put down a sharp chance at slip. Wickets did fall, with Tofty making a mess of the bamboo-strength middle order, and Mohit and Brett showed the others how to field, but some dire ground fielding from the usual suspects gave away too many easy runs - highlights including Healy possessed by the ghost of Fudge doing a Marble Arch at mid-off, and Tofty unable to get off the ground due to his ever-expanding belly to make a dive in the covers. At least Will boosted spirits by recreating his famous chase and dive versus Balham last year. Half elephant, half JCB, he showed all the grace of a morbidly obese Queen Anne beauty, bringing down plaster from the ceiling as she uproots the pole like King Kong while shoving her gunt into Tofty's face, before taking him to the bamboo enclosure for a lard-fest grind, while Curtly Ambrose wipes her arse on Coops' head and Straussy sweeps up broken glass.  Hi Alan.