ECONOMICALS CRICKET CLUB

07/05/11 - Economicals 211 a/o, John Fisher 216-4

Just like every season, the Comics opened with a loss to John Fisher, but this was a better performance than we usually start with, and indeed but for the early season rust it could well have been a victory. The Comics were resplendent in matching kit for the new season, courtesy of their new Joshila shirts and caps, hand-stitched by Osama Bin Laden and his wives in their hideout in what would be his last meaningful contribution before going off to meet the promised virgins. But at Berrylands you could still see a deranged tyrant alongside the sexually inexperienced, as Coops and Phil strode out to bat, having been happily inserted. A wobbly start ensued as the ball was doing a bit in the air and off the pitch. Coops survived a couple of half-chances while Squeagle played and missed over and over again, yet both somehow survived and began to get on top. Coops crashed it all round the ground, while all Squeagle's action was happening behind him, as usual , and the stand had reached 138 before he fell for 35. From there the wheels came off. A tired Coops holed out for 85, before disappearing to the football pitch to notch a hat-trick. With Tofty now in charge the rest of the team dropped like a Cumbrian taxi rank on its tea break (hi Alan) and the Comics could only reach 211, which was never likely to be enough against John Fisher's strong line-up.

That being said, if the Comics had been sharp in the field, the result could have been very different. Phil dropped the first catch, an absolute sitter which slipped out of his grasp due to Jennifer Lopez's lipstick, and it didn't get much better. Mohit dropped an easy one, Healy and Veitch tough chances, as did Fudge (fielding on his own on the leg-side, so that no one else would have to listen to his tiresome chat about battery lives). Roan had one of those days, as he spilled four chances - possibly trying to break his finger so that Beth couldn't get that ring on it - and would thus end up drinking a rather disgusting bone. We didn't bowl that badly, with Ani picking up a couple of wickets on debut to distract attention away from his David Brent antics in the field, but we simply have to catch better to have any chance of winning games like this. At least it meant an enormous Papa Johns order I guess.

A fantastic game at Kingston University Sportsground ended with a last ball tie as the Comics battled hard twice from seemingly hopeless situations to come away with a share of the points. Coops won the toss and inserted the highly touted Sri Lankans into bat with the hope that rain might come into play to make the job easier. The decision looked a good one as Roan struck with his first ball courtesy of a catch by Tubby Phillips behind the stumps (resplendent in new gear including pads that he bought from a stormtrooper). However, it went downhill quickly as Royalists put on 142 for the next wicket at a rapid pace, with 280 looking on the cards. Steve Emsley on debut broke the stand as one of his 20 full tosses was smacked straight at Tofty, who did well to hold on - clearly spending last winter catching balls fired at him by Asians has improved his game (hi Alan). With Steve and Tofty keeping things relatively tight with 18 overs of slow bowling (I cannot bring myself to write 'spin' for Steve), the run rate dropped sharply. Archie bowled well again with no luck at all, and Ani recovered well from a horror first spell and by the end a gettable 246 was the target.

Well, it was gettable, but Royalists' opening pair jagged the ball around sharply and it was tough going. This was a day when luck was needed, but instead the prolific opening pair of Coops and P-Lew suffered a double-barrelled shotgun triggering from one of the new league umpires, who we pay good money for (hi Chairman Paul). Phil had never seen a finger go up this quick, but usually that occurs behind him. Some constructive criticism was called for, and it came as usual from Healy. While asking for a guard. And if that guard was middle and leg, the response was "which one do you want first?" Or if it was two, it was "two what?" If only everyone knew the game as well as Josh, aka Mr Cricket. Following his usual display in the field of boundary urination and wandering behind square to give away a no ball, he watched as Healy, Brad and Mo fell for ducks, before setting about the Royalists. A ridiculous display of hitting ensued, with the ball disappearing to all parts, including five huge sixes. He and Roan put on 106, with Roan making just 20. From there everyone chipped in, and even though Josh fell for a terrific 122, the tempo was perfect and the running between the wickets excellent. Steve couldn't hit it off the square but ran his socks off, showing the impressive physique that Roan had so lustily noted at nets. It's a bad sign when the Weapon, about to hobble down the aisle in a few months, and supposedly reining in the devastation he causes, turns bi instead (hi Beth). Well a bad sign for everyone except Phil. Tofty used his leg shovel to fine effect and then Archie returned to his old ball-striking ways to keep it on a knife edge. 11 to win off the last over became three off the last ball. Archie again made good contact and an easy two meant a tie. Royalists looked the more disappointed at this, while Archie was all smiles for a change, but the Comics' battling show and Josh's fireworks certainly merited some reward.   

And so all that was left was the return to Berrylands for Papa Johns, Eurovision and the annual edition of "The Comics' Stupidest Man". Ani put in an early marker when asking of Jedward, "are they twins?" Roan made his pitch with "Romana, that's not a country. Oh Romania". But there can only be one winner of this award, the same as every year. The phone rang and it was Josh, on a bus in Peckham asking how much longer we'd be at Berrylands as he was thinking of coming back the 15 miles to get there. Imagine how far the ball would go if it came off Snaggletooth's thick wooden head.

Oh dear - less said about this one the better, as the Comics crumbled to a hefty defeat in what was a very winnable game, even without a few key men. Coops won the toss and bowled, but the bowling was rather feeble, with not much back-bending going on, as Whyteleafe put on an untroubled 98 for the first wicket. Susi made the breakthrough on his debut, and he and the other newbie Gihan put the brakes on with some accurate bowling, backed up by a better fielding performance than in previous weeks, with Mo looking sharp again and Steve and Phil covering lots of ground in the outfield. Whyteleafe became bogged down as Tofty also bowled well, and even some big hitting at the death they could only reach 220, which was very gettable on a flat pitch and quick outfield.

However, with a pretty weak batting line-up it was always going to be tough. Coops and Phil cruised to 68-0 against a bowling attack that was accurate but certainly not threatening. However, the fall of the squeaky one led to the standard Comics collapse, with four wickets falling for six runs and ten for 51. Brad made another globe and no one made double figures, which was an appalling effort on the surface. Whyteleafe's keeper took six catches, and there were nine catches in all as most batsmen failed to find the middle of the bat and generally played with little purpose - just prodding around is never going to achieve anything. If the world had ended at 6pm as promised by some American nut-job, cricket would have been the winner.

An eventful day and another defeat. Surrey Seamers are a very strong side this year, and had way too many weapons for us. They chose to bat but Archie and Veitch bowled really well early on and took a wicket each while keeping it tight. Oats' (lack of) pace forced a couple of batsmen to play on and at 90-4 we were going well. However, with Jay and the slimmed-down and suddenly destructive Keisha at the crease we had a long way to go, and they settled in before accelerating rapidly to turn the game on its head. Some massive hitting at the end, including a broken window, took the score to 281. Josh was left bemused by the window incident, unable to work out how the ball bounced back. So add double glazing and gravity to the list of things Josh doesn't understand, which previously included Islam, flying tin ships and bladder control. Brother Saul on debut, advertised by marketing man Josh as "he's just like me" as though that would be a good thing, is clearly the brains of the family, though my money would be on Brad II to beat him in a quiz. Jabba Veitch ended with great figures but couldn't finish his spell after tweaking a hamstring after breaking into a jog. Or as he diagnosed it, "Mmmm hammmmm".

Batting was the usual misadventure. Tubby finally pulled his finger out to get off the mark but made just 6, while Coops was again perhaps harshly adjudged LBW. Josh started quickly but was shockingly outthought with a slower ball, and then only Roan offered substantial resistance. Others stuck at it and chipped in but again there were too many single figure scores, admittedly in the face of a very strong bowling attack. Indeed Surrey Seamers looked a fantastic team, but they let themselves down with a shocking lack of sportsmanship, which twice led to players needing to be kept apart and the umpire warning them about their appealing and their chirping. Now we have a couple of players who won't back down, but at the end of the day a team winning easily and in the face of absolutely no provocation really ought to be able to win with some dignity. We know we are shit and it doesn't really need saying, especially from a team that doesn't even have a ground!

The most unsavoury part of the game was still to come though, as in the aftermath of the game it turned out that it was all our fault and those paragons of virtue had said or done nothing. Apparently trying to con umpires with excessive and ridiculous appealing when something is clearly not out, constantly chirping including swearing at the batsmen, claiming catches that don't carry, repeatedly giving batsmen the send-off, giving a batsman a barrage when he walks into bat (almost causing a fight), then next ball bowling an 'accidental' head-high beamer followed by a bouncer is all "part of the game", while Josh saying "I hope you get 200 because I'd like to have a change to get a score" is sledging. I'm not sure this is a game I recognise, and it's time something was done about the serial offenders in this league.

That's not to say there wasn't levity, mainly courtesy of new favourite umpire Renato "the seven dwarfs in one" Phillip. Tardy (turned up late), Sneezy (a massive sneeze just as Oats bowled at his end, leading to a slow full toss that disappeared for four), Greedy (eating cake at square leg post-tea), Sleepy (snoring in a chair during the Champions League final he'd spent all day going on about) and Greedy again (wolfing down all our pizza). He wanted Dopey but Josh had already taken it. A top man, even if he did give me out. I'm already looking forward to the BBQ eating contest between "The Dark Destroyer of Food" and "Sausages" Goldsmith.

04/06/11 - Clapham OX 150, Economicals 154-2

Finally the Comics got a win on the board at the fifth attempt with a resounding victory over Clapham Old Xaverians. There was some pre-match comedy as the skippers and umpires worked out which cabbage patch to play on, eventually plumping for a wicket that was apparently only 20 yards long! As it turned out it was a really good batting surface though, which Coops and Josh would later have some fun on. Clapham won the toss and chose to bat, and though Archie took an early wicket he was very wayward and Clapham were rattling along, helped by short boundaries and a very bumpy outfield. Healy - in his last game due to either a Singapore relocation or a disciplinary - took the precaution of spreading his ample frame on the boundary to field one ball, only for it to roll past him ten yards away. Of course it was not his fault, and the Comics will miss his catchphrase of "what?" with a shrug as another hopeless misfield ensues. Gihan and Roan also had some howlers in the field, but Healy ruled supreme.

Runs were flowing but Roan kept one end very tight and then like against Whyteleafe Gihan and Sussi put the brakes on with some canny bowling. Sussi bowled one bat with his magic ball and then removed a danger man with the help of a sharp catch by Mo, who had an excellent day in the field - the ball was travelling and I imagine it would have turned his hands purple. On came Tofty, fresh from winning Britain's next top model (hi Alan), who quickly grabbed three wickets of varying quality. Archie and Gihan polished off the tail and 150 was a very gettable target. If you want to read more about Gihan's cricketing career, you can find it here. Impressive stuff. And to see Phil's past exploits, go here.

The early stages were very eventful, as Clapham, clearly infuriated by the Comics overtaking their reputation, were fired up and their quicky was whizzing it past the bat. He destroyed Phil and Healy's stumps but runs were also flowing, and when Josh joined Coops the ball started flying to all parts. Coops ended on 72 and Josh missed the chance of a 50 because he thought he was "only on about 20", the thick twat.

With the early finish the Comics and Clapham had a good drink and no broken bottles were required. Healy and Damien from Clapham had a 'fat off', which I think neither won, and along similar lines Roan was heard commenting to Brad about his own expanding waistline, which is like asking Ian Huntley for babysitting tips. It will only get worse big fella, as trust me once you're married even the nymphos go on strike (hi Beth), and also Cambridge doesn't have a Grand.

And Phil disappeared into thin air. If seen, please could you return him to The Eagle pub, Stockwell.

After two weeks off following the win over Clapham, the Comics returned to losing ways against the usually strong Old Thorntonians side, but the margin of victory belied a battling performance, especially in the field. Archie bowled a brilliant opening spell with little luck, and the rest of the bowlers stuck at it manfully on a flat pitch against some very good players. The fielding was at times brilliant, with Mo and debutant Phill making cracking stops and Archie and Steve taking good catches, with Archie's being a highlight reel job. There were some wobbly moments of course, but any misfields could possibly be blamed on the scorched turf from Archie sprinting around - with him in the 100 metres and Mo in the weightlifting India are expecting a golden Commonwealth games haul in 2014. And Paul's missed stumping could be blamed on many things - the bus that was taking him from where he took the ball to the stumps was late, and he was slowed down by his electronic tag. The Comics kept a lid on things for the most part but some lusty blows at the death from Hashmat meant that Thorns finished on 262.

With Phil away doing a day shift at the Eagle, it was tough to find a replacement opener - it's not easy to find another ginger gawky type with no fromage chat who can't get it off the square (hi Alan), but Tofty outlasted both Coops and Josh, who fell to poor strokes. Josh had looked in imposing form, and with his dismissal went any hopes of victory, although Steve and Straussy grafted hard and Archie smashed it around at the end. To be fair to the batsmen, it was difficult to concentrate once Mo's Dutch girls turned up to watch. Bigger than Hashmat, they reminded all of the low country, as they were built like barges and you'd only put your finger in to save a village from flooding. I probably still would though, and Mo was all over them like a cheap suit. Better than nothing I guess, and we'd not seen racks like that since Veitch got injured.

And so it was on to Healy's leaving do in Clapham, to see the few people left in London he's not offended. There was a rare Fudge sighting, plus Shenners wearing a cravat from Lady Gaga's meat suit. And continuing the theme of 'Ladies Day' (though Mo's harem could have been trannies), Josh brought along a girl. Whether or not he got to raise his bat we do not yet know, but it would have taken a good effort after Coops scuffed up the pitch while doing some Tofty-style blocking. The smart money is on him not seeing it through to completion, like the day's innings. And his tooth.