The Comics further eased any relegation fears with an ultimately comfortable victory over high-flying John Fisher under rainy skies in deepest darkest southern England. With rain likely and the match reduced to 41 overs, it was a good toss to win, and Coops had no hesitation in inserting. Utkarsh and Veitch bowled brilliantly with the new ball, but Utkarsh had no luck, with two very good LBW shouts turned down and Roan dropping two slip catches, while Coops dropped one off Veitch. Veitch eventually removed both openers, but more importantly John Fisher were only 68 off 20 overs, way off the pace on a tiny ground. Roan came on, removed the dangerous Yohan with his first ball and soon grabbed another. The Fish would eventually put their foot down, the catalyst being an over of absolute filth from Macca, bringing back memories of Clapham OX 2005, and a big score was in the offing. For once the Comics kept it together in the closing overs, with Tofty and Roan doing a great job with the wet ball and the fielders keeping it tidy, meaning that the Fish would make a challenging but gettable 235.

Coops and Arvind went off like the clappers, with one eye on the run rate in case of rain. The Fish only had ten and the ball was racing to the boundary, as 76 came up in the first seven overs. The Fish sensed the writing on the wall and tried a 'Morden' as it's known in the league, with Lloyd doing a 'Stars in Their Eyes' of Eric the Eel, but the weather just about held off. Arv brought up a classy 50 before falling after a stand of 112. Debutant Duane, a 'mate of Veitch' (a euphemism for being a Shenners) fell swiftly but Coops kept it ticking along at the other end and another new-boy Franco played a nice little cameo to take the score past 200. Once the 20 overs were up the game pretty much was too, although with Franco falling and Straussy joining Macca at the top of the ducks league, another Abahani was on the cards. But Coops proceeded relatively untroubled to another ton, and Macca came in to stir up the oppo and see it home. Coops (at least for now) is the league's leading run scorer - not bad for a player who is "not technically great", according to either Tofty or Strauss (one of those batting legends said it afterwards). For the second week running Macca was told he was shit, and it's as true now as it was then. For any lurkers from other teams (and we know you're reading!), please keep doing this, as it actually increases your sportsmanship marks.

So another win, and the only real hammering of the first half of the season avenged, leaves the Comics safely ensconced in mid-table, just in time to be 50 all out versus Balham and Tooting next week.    

Less said about this one the better. They are not very good, and on the day we were worse. Veitch and Will bowled great on a soft and sluggish pitch, and B&T crawled along at less than two an over. Archie took a fine catch to start the rot and then B&T proceeded to gift wickets with soft strokes. Oats grabbed four and Archie two, including an astonishing catch from Veitch at mid-off. Not all the fielding was great tho - a Shenners dive from Brad as one highlight, but surely topped by the Llama's chase to the boundary, waddling along in his drainpipes and diving to stop an already-stopped ball, while they ran four anyway. 69-9 they were, but made 150! Admittedly one guy played well to get 50, but we bowled poorly at the last pair and missed an easy run out too early on.

The pitch and outfield had quickened up, but this was a much-weakened Comics batting line-up, and Coops fell early against his jinx team. Arv got a classy 31 but was bowled playing no shot, and there were plenty of other examples of ordinary decision-making to follow in what was a pretty inept display against bowling that was nothing special. Brutal to watch, and Osterley now becomes a must-win game.

The must-win game was won, though the urgency the Comics showed made it look like it didn't really matter. That we took it to the last ball was a shambles, and the batsmen again need to look at their approach to chasing, but overall this was a decent performance. Coops put Osterley in, and with everyone on time the KFC role was decided to fall upon the first dropped catch. Veitch and Will bowled brilliantly again, and Veitch made short work of the openers before Will removed the dangerous Sarvesh Shirsat to a controversial catch behind (general consensus was it was out though). Soon after a thick edge flew over the slips, and Arvind fatefully chose to show agility for the first time in his life (except maybe the time 40 years ago when Baby Arv was stretching to reach the fridge door). Leaping like an overfed salmon, and showing the hang-time of Jordan (the country), Grandad managed to get a fingertip to it and ensure that the team's fingertips would be greasy a few hours later, amid much hilarity. Veitch and Will would end with three wickets apiece, with Will returning ridiculous figures for the second week running. Straussy took his tally to 11 catches in the gully - if he could bat he might even be an all-rounder. Once again the tail would wag though, with another 50+ partnership for the last wicket as young Micky smashed it everywhere, leaving a very gettable but tricky 187 to win.

The furious Sarvesh thundered in and bowled ten overs of bouncers with predictable consequences - Coops hit one tennis shot before retiring hurt, while Arv pulled with certainty and class (unlike Brett, who seems to prefer text sex to the real thing). The Colonel made a classy 46, Coops a horrible 20 odd and Healy continued his rich vein of form with 61 - an innings so stodgy and red ink-driven that even his own girlfriend went home. But somehow the Comics managed to creep over the line, needing two off the last over and then ridiculously one off the last ball. Brett finally made contact and the game was won, but really we should not be taking this long to get the runs when having wickets in hand. All in all a curious day for Brett. It began with him revealing an inability to close with the ladies, and ended with him dressed like Macca. But perhaps the highlight was his bowling. A fine audition in the nets meant the chance to relive his glory days from Sunbury in 2004. 10 legal balls later he was banned for trying to bully a small boy with beamers, again amid much hilarity.  

Lager and hot rods followed, and by the end of the night the bar had more bones in it than Shenners' back garden, as Uncle Albert Vanthavasi told a few stories from "during the war", about how he dropped a tough chance in the ANZACs versus Nazis game and was forced to dodge shells outside the Gallipoli branch of Kentucky while queuing for a 24-piece mega-bucket.     

Very poor. A terrible toss to lose with heavy rain forecast later on, but the Comics were soundly beaten before it came. Sure the side was weakened by the late withdrawals of Veitch and the hilariously swine flu-infected Macca, but at 93-1 off 19 we were in good shape to post a challenging score. But Healy played an uncharacteristically loose shot, Straussy got his standard first-baller and Coops hit a full toss to mid-on, and all hopes were gone. A horrific collapse ensued, with some comedy dismissals, and only some late blasting from Will got us a third bonus point. Sheen bowled and fielded well, but again hopeless batting was the main reason.

With such a low score, and Sheen getting off to a flyer, the only issues were who would be paying for the Kentucky, and would anyone land a blow on the nimble-footed middleweight Jayman? Colonel Arvind had learned his lesson from the previous week, and this time dodged out of the way of a slip chance to ensure another expensive trip to New Malden high street. Healy had taken a sharp slip chance earlier to give Archie a wicket, but he would end up on hot-rod duty after spilling a ridiculously high skier off Jayman (probably deliberately). As the game neared its close, the 'Golden Ball' was put into action to decide the wrap buyer. Whoever would touch the ball next from Tofty's next delivery would be getting them in. A cunning plan by Tofty, Ratboy and the batsman to ensure it was hit to Coops was sadly foiled as Tofty shelled a simple return catch to complete a miserable day/month/year for the carrot-topped one.

The usual chicken-fest followed, with the gluttonous Arv pictured below in what might as well be his passport photo, while the team watched videos of a masturbating dog. It's never dull.

A crucial game for the Comics, and they won ultimately in some style on a lovely day at Berrylands. Coops lost the toss but would have bowled anyway, mainly so the boys could start drinking the piss earlier for the much-anticipated team barbeque. The Comics started shabbily in the field, with Snakie earning chef status with first drop, and Roan twice missing slip chances. Veitch got the early breakthrough and then a mix-up meant the returning Sidebottom was run out, but it wasn't until Will and Roan came on that the Comics started playing good cricket and the runs dried up. Will had no luck but kept it tight, while Roan grabbed a couple of wickets and should have had a third but for a truly awful drop by Snakie, which cost 42 runs in quick time as the wheels began to fall off. Coops brought back Snakie for Macca, against Macca's sharp cricketing instincts, and he was still chuntering away like a madman when Snakie struck first ball. A mini-collapse followed and the Comics were able to keep it respectable in the closing overs and leave a gettable 212 to win.

Putney were missing enough key bowlers that surely BARRY must have deserved the emotional call-up to the stage where he entertained so many, and so Coops and Roan added 50 for the first wicket in double-quick time, but Roan fell and then Healy's usual snoozefest was terminated earlier than usual by a sharp return catch from first-match destroyer Peters. It was time for Josh. With a hundred on his previous appearance versus Putney, hopes were high, but up till now his contribution had been a curious one of a catch, some Jabba-esque fine leg urination and eating on the pitch, and a top-grade sledge of "if you put some sugar on it he'd hit it". The pasty-faced Michael Myers look-a-like started slowly, before unleashing a torrent of huge sixes and booming fours, robbing Coops of a possible hundred in the process, which I'm sure disappointed no one. Fittingly the game ended with a six, spilled by the one of Josh's mates who doesn't look like halfwit from Big Brother. Josh had shown incredible timing in a good way. Straussy on the other hand showing less good timing, as Tofty drove from Brixton to Watford, then back to New Malden to find that Straussy would not be making the journey to Headingley with him. Alan Toft, if you are reading, take away the youngster's shoelaces and give him plastic cutlery for a while, at least until we sort him out at the Griffin.

With the points in the bag it was time for both teams to enjoy the inaugural Comics summer barbeque, a heady mix of sausages, mint jelly and absinthe. Snakie, Macca, Brett, Ratboy and Will did a fine job at the store and at the stove, while Healy swore a lot and got them to bark "yes chef" at him. With no Arvind, there should have been enough food to go round, but Coops had invited all the umpires over, as they look like they enjoy their food, in the hope that free sausages would prevent their sausage fingers ever going up while he is at the crease. Josh and Scott from Putney put aside their murderous intent and found out that they used to know each other back in the day when Josh was working for Alf at the surf club and Scott was on the reception desk at Lassiter's with Toadfish and yer flamin' galah etc etc. It's a small world, and in that small world there's a small cricket trouser shop where Will gets his gear from. Scooterman arrived via Lithuania to take the 'tired and emotional' skipper home, and by the sound of the unavailability we might need him next week versus Old Thorntonians, along with Shenners and co.

Bit of a thumping this, but only to be expected with Thorns out to avenge the shock upset earlier in the season and the Comics weakened by the absence of most of the squad. Macca got a very early wicket but any chance of an upset went when Rob, wearing one of Fonzie's t-shirts, shelled a simple chance in the covers. Brett took a stunner at long off to give Archie a well-deserved wicket, but once Thorns stepped on the gas against the bits and pieces bowlers the score racked up. Noumann made a good hundred and Sajjad, out on bail, smashed 80. Healy's leg spin took a pummelling, and Brett made it through two overs with only one beamer, but perhaps would have been better just bowling another one to get off. The fielding was something to behold, with misfields, diving when no need and not diving when it was called for, and Macca calling for a skier and watching it land 15 yards away from him. Still, it has been worse.

Coops fell early, but from then on it was the Healy show - admittedly a show that would lack viewers and advertisers and be moved to the graveyard shift. Arv was delighting the crowd, so Healy ran him out. Brett missed one, Straussy celebrated not being out first ball then announced his retirement soon after, while the Fonz hit a couple of fours before riding off on his motorbike and Jon made a duck on debut, like pretty much most debutants do. Macca came in for an emotional last innings at Berrylands, and managed to encapsulate his Comics career in the innings, with lots of swiping, a big six, arguing with the bowler and disputing his dismissal even though it was obviously out. Healy finally opened his shoulders and fell for a turgid 77, though with maximum batting points achieved he was just doing his job and following orders, as a concentration camp gas chamber operator would say.

So all in all a bit of a thrashing, but at least we made 200, and premier division cricket looks assured for next season - I'm still not sure whether that's a good thing though. 

22/08/09 - Abahani 262-5, Economicals 69

If it's a late season game versus Abahani, with Trehy returning, and randoms playing, it must be a hammering. And so it was. It didn't help that those who had been at the Oval were in no fit state, with Straussy having nightmares of Asad Rauf raising his finger for a first ball LBW, Arv still weighed down by hog roast, Tofty a million miles away in Can-Land and the suffering skipper in all sorts of trouble after a day of binge drinking followed by a day of binge eating had him leading the league in cholesterol. When you add to that a pitch of shockingly bad proportions, with balls going along the ground from the first over, and we were never going to do well.

Admittedly Abahani didn't have too much trouble batting, but then while their bowlers are actually on cricinfo, our bowlers are on the internet scouring for flights away from the Comics or www.megaboobs.com, and so they still managed to post a challenging score. Tofty and Macca bowled well, and Kash, despite a terrible dive and wearing plus-fours that put him up in Shenners territory, got a wicket with his first ball and another for good measure.

Coops smashed Rahul for a towering hit, his first six since he got his medical results, but was out next ball, Arv had to retire hurt when his Kentucky-pointing finger became even more swollen, and the rest of the side struggled with the inconsistent bounce and quality pace bowling. Tofty completed a good game for him by top scoring and getting halfway to his ideal number of 36. With the game swiftly over, the Comics hit Woodies for the beer festival. Snakie got the twiglets in to celebrate what might be his last game (we will miss him), and Macca and the rest of mini enthusiasts photographed each other balls deep in each other's exhausts (we won't).

The August bank holiday normally means a patched-up XI getting tubbed, and so it proved. Coops chose to bat, hoping for a short afternoon, and after Roan fell early he almost had a short life when chinned by a Hashmat bouncer - justifying his decision to hide down the order last year. Coops and Trehy put on a good stand until Coops missed a swinging delivery, and four middle order ducks would follow to end the game as a contest. Trehy entertained with some thumping blows but it was a rather feeble performance against some admittedly good bowling.

Wandsworth knocked off the runs easy enough, the only highlights for us being wickets in their debut overs for Chetan and Muzammil, and a nifty drop of a skier by Tom, as despite only having to move five yards to take it, managed to miss it by six.

Huge thanks to Archie for finding four randoms to fill out the team, although on reflection describing them in an email entitled 'my gems' was perhaps optimistic. Four innings for six runs is very much of the Elizabeth Duke variety trinket, and the De Beers robbers would have more luck trying to find homes for their booty.

An eventful day. The Comics went into the final game needing three points to ensure top-flight survival, and with Macca making his final Comics appearance, it was to be an emotional occasion. Coops lost the toss but would have bowled, as with Snakie and Will taking the new pill hopes were high for the clatter of wickets. And so it proved, as Thorns were six down after the opening 20 overs. Snakie grabbed three, including the dangerous husband of the smoking hot Mrs Zeb, Will two and there was a run out which almost had the added benefit of killing Ratboy. Del Boy Ghosh started in lovely jubbly fashion with an early wicket, but the game would take a momentum turn when Colonel Strauss spilled the second of his three drops off Oats which would have put the score at 64-8. Was it the baby oil on his hands from his Vegas trip, or just grease from the foot-long hog roasts he and Coops had shovelled down at the Oval the night before? Either way he was no longer a safe pair of hands, thus becoming worse than Shenners. Thorns piled on the pain with a tail that wagged like Arv's finger pointing out his Kentucky order, before Macca and Roan finally ended the misery with the Thorns reaching an improbable and very competitive 199. Macca was treating it like any other game, and so swore at a small boy while bowling and timing his life ban nicely.

Coops had allowed the other half of his volatile love-hate bromance to open on his final bow, and Macca was fortunate to escape a fairly easy chance early on. But Macca gradually found his straps - handy, as Coops was playing like Healy at the other end - and after 50 he began to play with the sort of quality he undoubtedly has, but has shown all too rarely in his time. Coops fell, Healy's quest for red ink failed dismally, Tofty chipped in with a few before losing concentration due to his can-lust, and Straussy made the equivalent of a ton for him and showed signs of being able to bat again. But this was the Macca show, and as he closed on three figures, seeing it like a football and benefitting from some butter-fingered fielding, it seemed the only thing that could stop him was some miscalculation from the South African Carol Vorderman at the other end. But Roan's sharp mind was distracted by domestic issues and wondering how he got ginger streaks without noticing, allowing Macca to bring up his ton just in time, much to the delight of the Comics and super-fan Brett, who could have played but was instead getting binned. Probably ay.

And that was that. Macca strode off to a hero's reception, and this had been the complete match for him. Runs, wicket and catch. Check. Abuse of oppo. Check. Misfield. Check. Late (causing me to get halfway to the ground before turning back). Check. Dressed like a bender. Check. He will be missed, mainly by the mini club masturbators of Woodies and charity shops, but also by us. And then the drinking began. Healy shamefully wimped out due to an angry girlfriend, but with Brett dumped and Roan about to be dumped (look it up Straussy) there were few other excuses and a solid attendance of everyone else plus Brett. And so it was that Ratboy had a full van for the first time since he had all those Ipswich prostitutes rolled up in carpets, and if you've ever wondered what 11 bell-ends sat in the pitch black singing Chesney Hawkes sounds like, stop wondering, as it's not that good. And as the beers, 'buca and tequila flowed a good night was had by all. Will hugged a strange man on a sofa, while the team debated at length the crucial issue facing world cricket - Amar's wife or Zeb's wife? It was a split decision, with five votes each and Tofty just shouting "BOOOOOOOBS" over and over again. Some good photos were taken - to come on Facebook soon, along with one of Brett's arse in a urinal which Oats sent to my work. Five times. Probably shoulda just sent it once, ay. And i think Snakie B actually might have said something. No one understood it, but it's a start.

God only knows what damage was done at the Grand. I wisely went home, before Macca finally stuck one on me or in me. Good season all.