ECONOMICALS CRICKET CLUB

09/05/09 - John Fisher 321-4, Economicals 228

A hefty defeat to start the season, but considering the backdrop this was not actually a bad performance. John Fisher are a strong side, and we only had a handful of regulars. On top of that they won the toss on a Berrylands belter, and Coops, who was keeping, disappeared after twelve overs to play in an ultimately futile football league decider. So with baby Jessica (the artist formally known as Straussy) behind the stumps and Tofty in charge, it was no real surprise that John Fisher made 300+. Utkarsh bowled well on debut, Samir and Roan also kept it relatively tight, and I'm told the fielding was mostly ok, but a big score was still likely on a flat deck against ten men (my bad).

A disastrous start followed with the Comics reduced to 14-4, but Coops entertained the huge crowd in a decent stand with Rob (more of him later) before falling just after making a classy fifty. Utkarsh completed a fine debut with a display of ball-striking, and Roan got himself into some batting form with a breezy knock at the end, and was unlucky not to make a 50. He may have done with more time at the crease, but fell victim to the 'Jabba defence', as Samir jockeyed himself up the order saying he needed to leave, then proceeded to play forward defensives for 20 minutes. 228 was a pretty good effort, and seven points not a bad start.

But this was Dunster's day. It started at 1am with a rambling, incoherent phone message to Coops, was followed by introducing Utkarsh to the team with tails of anal action (not of the Brad Phillips kind), a sit-down protest at third man and some Harry Potter-style wafting (plus the odd good stroke). Sadly he won't be able to feel a good stroke for a while, as the box-less hero was felled by a blow to the nether regions, much to everyone's amusement. Luckily for the rancid mingers of Abacus, no permanent damage was done, and Rob should retain enough libido to continue secretly filming upskirt shots on the tube.  

The Comics recorded their first victory of the season with a relatively comfortable win over Balham and Tooting. For the second week running the Comics were playing characters from The Wire, but B&T are no John Fisher (though they might have fathered a couple of them), and have a long season in store on this showing.  We did not bowl particularly well, but B&T found increasingly bizarre ways to find the fielders. The catching was pretty sound for the most part, with Straussy excellent in the gully, and so wickets fell on a regular basis. The game turned on a shocking decision from their square leg umpire, as Healy's sharp stumping off Tofty was inexplicably given not out, despite being clear from everywhere on the field. That would've been 86 for 7, but the wheels then fell off slightly, with missed run-outs, misfields and overthrows, and Healy unleashing a volley of abuse directed at everyone except the guilty party. B&T put on a decent stand before gifting us a route back in with their second ridiculous run-out, and ultimately reached 187, with Oats taking three wickets.

Coops fell cheaply to a poor shot, and Arv and Don succumbed when looking well set, but against some fairly average bowling it was easy enough. Macca smashed it around, ending up with three men on the straight boundary, and was unlucky not to record a fifty (saving his money for the next round of redundancies clearly), and while Straussy took his time and kept it ticking over, Utkarsh and Veitch hit some big strokes to ensure a comfortable win with 15 overs to spare. The usual buffoonery took place on the sidelines, with a succession of players confusing Utkarsh (he of the booming pull shots) with Straussy (running it thru the slips off his gloves). Admittedly I did confuse the fat mess Veitch with the sightscreen at one point, although the sightscreen does move better even on rusty wheels. And Roan commented that Straussy was 'dissecting' the field, but then he is South African, and so is excused, what with them being a nation of big thickos. 

A heart-breaking loss for the Comics, with sloppiness on and off the field snatching defeat from the jaws of a well-deserved victory. Finding a full side for a bank holiday was hard enough, but it was done, only for Ratboy's tw at of a mate to pull out on the morning of the game, leaving no time to find an eleventh man. If only Rob Dunster had been available, but he had to spend all weekend doing some building work. So it must have been another balding ginger seen strolling around Clapham at lunchtime with his bird! Coops won the toss and chose to bat, with Utkarsh the only man willing to accompany him in a show of team confidence. The Comics got off to a flier, and debutant Paul found his feet eventually at number three to leave us well placed at 77-1 off 15 overs, but he, Straussy and Macca would make a memorable hat-trick for Sarvesh Shirsat, Osterley's star player, who had thrashed us for 155 a couple of years ago. Brett biffed a rapid 32, but then he was dismissed and Veitch and Tofty succumbed meekly shortly afterwards. Coops took this as a time to explode into action, helped by a 'Kevin the teenager' style hissy fit from one of their youngsters, leading to 29 off an over, but fell shortly after making a chanceless hundred. New-boy Matt then wowed the crowd with an array of paddles and reverse sweeps, and the Power Rat joined in the fun to put on 40 odd for what would be the last wicket. 255 should have been enough, but with an eleventh man this could easily have been 20 more.

Utkarsh and Veitch bowled brilliantly with the new ball to reduce Osterley to 49-4, but Coops chested down a couple in the slips, and Utkarsh dropped a straight-forward chance at square leg, allowing their number three to hit 69. Shirsat made his appearance at number seven with around 130 needed off 18 overs and the game resting on his tiny shoulders. Matt almost took him early with a great catch, and then Brett marred an outstanding display in the field when he lost sight of a chance on the boundary. Finally, the normally sure-handed Tofty spilled a sitter at square leg, for once lacking the clinical edge he shows when blowing out a date with his missus at the cinema to stay drinking with the boys. Shirsat ended up 96*, and Osterley won in a relatively canter. On such small margins are games won and lost, but again the extra man would have made it irrelevant anyway, as many runs flowed through the gap left in the field. Indeed, we should've won regardless - too many soft dismissals and some average bowling when the pressure was on...    

Another defeat for the Comics, and again another game where a winning chance was lost in the last 15 overs. Overall, though, this was a pretty good performance, bearing in mind we were looking well beaten at drinks with Sheen Park on 120-0 off 20 and going great guns. Once again we were not bowling badly, or dropping chances, but a mixture of good batting and some mis-hit balls landing in gaps meant we could not get the breakthrough. On a flat pitch and fast, bumpy outfield, taking the pace off the ball seemed to pay dividends, and the occasional leg-spin of Healy got the ball rolling. Coops grabbed a couple of LBWs and Tofty picked up three wickets while keeping it tight. Macca bowled an excellent spell with no luck, and at tea Sheen Park had made 275 - a big score, but 30-40 less than it should've been and certainly gettable if we put together a good 45 overs with the bat.

And we almost did. Coops and Arv put on 74 for the first wicket, and Don, Healy and Straussy chipped in with useful runs, while Coops continued his good form with 79. At 201-3 with 12 overs to go we were in the box seat, but proceeded to lose four wickets in quick succession to poor strokes, with Macca playing a truly awful shot for his second golden duck in a row. Tofty struck some lusty blows but we ended up 30 short. Some calmer heads and we would have won this, but we lack the quality to put together 90 good overs, and in close games that can be crucial.

And so on it was to the pub, which was hosting Bob Willis's 60th birthday party. Fair play to Paul Allott for making it in to host Cricket Writers on TV on Sunday morning, though he looked a bit peaky. Botham and Bumble had been there but we missed them. Allott looked battered, but nowhere near as bad as Bob, who couldn't speak, stand, or put food in his mouth - his wife was feeding him cheese and biscuits at one point. No wonder he gets so angry...probably got the shakes all the time. Also his daughter was struggling to stand, and looked worth a ride, but none of us were posh enough to have a crack. Probably Tofty should have tried out his banter with the ladies though - been seven years since he last had to woo someone, but he'll need to start again in seven weeks or less the way he's going.

06/06/09 - Economicals 168, Putney 169-8

For the second week running the Comics faced a team who poach Sri Lankan stars from other clubs, and 22 men joined by their mutual respect and admiration for BARRY produced a tight game on a difficult pitch. For the third week running the Comics had big chances to win, but once again poor periods cost a much-needed victory. Coops lost a good toss to win, and the Comics would face much the harder conditions as the pitch was soaking to start with. However, at 91-1 off 18 overs the hard work was done, but Coops fell after another classy 50, and then James Peters, once ranked number one in the world - if the world consists of drunken South Africans in Bermuda shorts - wreaked havoc with his bouncy off-spin. 5-18 was a great spell, but the Comics should be disappointed with their efforts. A familiar story of poor shots, collapses and lack of intent meant the last nine wickets fell for 77 runs, with Brad 'fingers' Phillips was the only other batsman to pass 20, and 168 was never likely to be enough on the drying pitch. 

Still, there was plenty of life in it, and debutant Brancken and Utkarsh bowled brilliantly, and Will and Roan kept up the pressure after 20 overs. The catching was pretty good for the most part, wth Straussy and Roan nabbing two each behind the stumps, but Putney were always slightly ahead and crept over the line with two wickets left. 

And so it was off to the SheBu Walkabout for a team night out of snakebite and black. Nine attendees was a respectable effort, filled out by Roan and Brancken's WAGs and a couple of extra ladies for the team to have a crack at. Sadly for them Coops is a family man now so tried to line them up for the others, but they said Brad's hands smelled funny, Will's nose meant they could never kiss him properly and Arvind was, well, Arvind. Tofty and Straussy are, at the time of writing, attached, and thus not in the game at least for another week, plus both lost the power of speech as they do after four pints, so this left Utkarsh. With his youthful Bollywood good looks hiding his 30 years, and busting some impressive "pat the dog and unscrew the lightbulb" moves on the dancefloor, he was in with a sniff, despite the language barrier. Indeed, one of the Yarpie vixens allegedly said "he's a catch", though it was later confirmed to be "he can't catch".

For the second year running, the Comics turned over the mighty Old Thorntonians in a stirring effort. Having been put in on a spongy yet decent wicket, the Comics raced to a 50 partnership before the standard rot started. Coops, Arv and Brett played well but once again there were too many loose shots and brainless batting in the face of Thorns' quality attack, and so 50-0 and 80-1 became 152 all out. Ratboy and Tofty - in front of bad luck charm Toft senior - put on 19 for the last wicket, which perhaps was crucial as it gave the Comics just a sniff of an improbable win.

The next two hours were some of the best cricket played by the Comics in my time. Utkarsh and Will shared the new ball with more success than the cab they shared back from the Walkie a week earlier, where Utkarsh - forever to be known as 'Snakie B' - hurled Brad-style all over Tofty and Straussy, and probed away with swing and pace at the Thorns top order. Will struck in his first over, courtesy of a sharp catch at short third man from tactical genius Coops, and Snakie removed the other opener with Straussy pouching another good catch at gully. Will bowled an excellent line and as a dropped slip catch away from getting a deserved five-for, and after 20 overs Thorns were 77-5 and it was game on. But with Sajjad still there, there was a lot of work still to do, with Roan and Macca bowling first change. Each had things on their mind - Roan using his big South African brain to solve complex mathematical equations regarding the run rate, and Macca deciding whether it would be Coops or BARRY as his best man at the Kiwi wedding/tour - but they kept the pressure on. Macca made the breakthrough and followed it up with the big wicket of Sajjad, with a magical ball that swung away and cut back in to bowl him playing no stroke (or, as Tofty said, 'he missed a straight one'). When this was followed with a wicket next ball, the game was almost up. Macca grabbed a fourth and then got the final wicket with a direct hit. It may have become known as 'Macca's Match', if he hadn't disgraced himself so with the bat.

And so it was off to Woodies for booze and KFC, though Snakie B's intake was monitored closely. A great win, that I'm sure Brad would have enjoyed if he wasn't being pussy-whipped like a big gay bear.

The Comics came so close to following up the stunning win over Old Thorns with a shock defeat of champions and leaders Abahani, only to suffer heartbreak with a late collapse from 129-5 to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory.  The Comics started on fire, with Utkarsh realising that good balls don't take wickets and removing both openers for ducks with pies. He and Branken bowled excellent spells again, giving away very little and threatening often. After 20 overs Abahani were 87-4 and another shock appeared to be on the cards. Roan and Oats lacked the same cutting edge but they bowled good lines and lengths and for the second week running the catching was virtually flawless - despite the oppo's best efforts to put us off - and so wickets fell at regular intervals. Oats rolled back the years to bring back his boomerang outswing of the early part of the decade, and finished with 4-19.

146 was very gettable on a blameless Berrylands road, but when both opening bowlers have played first class cricket, and twice already this year sides have been dismissed by them for under 100, it was never going to be straightforward. Coops and Arvind put on 21 easily enough before both fell, and it was 30-3 when Brad continued his poor run of the last two seasons. Healy and Straussy set out reconcilliating the innings (as Roan would say), starting slowly but adding a crucial 58 before Straussy was given out LBW. The baby-faced cherub had scored most of his runs through third man for a change, swishing his blade just like the crack-addled young'un from the low-risers that had threatened to shank him for £13.80 the night before. Healy brought up a fine fifty, and although the run rate was rising, it never reached five an over and it should have been a procession. But wickets fell regularly, and 129-5 would somehow become 139 all out as the standard collapse came with the game on the line. To be fair it was good bowling more than bad batting for once, but the Comics should have attacked the middle overs more to stop their openers coming back with the game still in the balance.  But that's why they're the champs and we're a bunch of bell-ends...

The Comics batted first, got a decent total of 222, defendable but ultimately not enough with a weakened side. Coops got a brisk 45 and Healy continued his fine form with a chanceless 85 not out. Don and Snakie provided useful support. On a flat Berrylands pitch we would likely need to bowl them out to win, and we almost did, falling two short. Veitch and Snakie made early inroads, debutant Archie bowled an excellent spell and at 192-8 we were favourites, but their tail played well and got them home without any further scares. And that was all that happened - move along, nothing of note to see here. Oh hang on, did I forget to mention that we had an ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT playing for us.

We were short midweek, so Coops tried the Gumtree - despite most of his lowest moments (Queen Latifah with hammer under the bed, Imran the heart attack victim, meeting his wife, meeting Veitch) - resulting from sampling the tree's mouldy fruits. This was his opening gambit...

hi im chris, im friendly

coming from watford to shepherds bush, currently between jobs, own whites, specialist left hand bat, RIGHT ARM medium bowler, VERY SPECIALIST SLIP , GULLY, BACKWARD POINT FIELDER, cant run so please dont ask me to be legging it in the deep ! please ask for me and please dont with hold numbers or send private numbers  calling - sorry a pet hate - be happy to help.

Coops should know better - especially when CAPS LOCK à la BARRY is involved, but doesn't. A text on Friday night followed:

Wot do u look like m8? Im 6ft dark hair rugged build blue shirt black jeans black bag.

It's not wise to choose your outfit the day before the hottest day of the year, but then nor is it wise to describe yourself as a rugged six-footer when you are about 5'7 and look like a heroin addict. But he did turn up, and did not disappoint. He made Veitch look like Alain de Botton and BARRY look like the Fonz. His 'medium' bowling consisted of grenades going into the wrong net and, despite being half-Chinese, he was the biggest racist seen since the after-dinner speaker a few years ago. Coops sent him out to umpire to get rid of him, where he proceeded to miss a stumping and tell Wandsworth to speak English. When he did bat, Hashmat knocked him flat on his back, causing almost as much hilarity in the stands as when Fudge did his finger versus the same oppo last year. He did help Healy add 22, as he kept reminding us for the rest of the day about their great partnership, even though he only got 2 off about 10 balls during the slog. He did get twice as many as Veitch though. In the field the VERY SPECIALIST SLIP dropped a catch in the slips, and pulled a muscle the first time he ran more than five yards. He also dived for a ball that had stopped and still missed it. He may still have been a better fielder than Macca though.

Coops tried to fob him off for a lift home with Tofty, but then Arvind got a lift with Don, leaving poor Coops to take him home alone. The longest 25 minutes of his life ensued, with talk of the great partnership, wanting to become a regular, and baby Jessica's beautiful smile (Coops had learned nothing from The Lost Boys and invited him in in the morning to meet the family). And off he went into the night, probably to murder Watford prostitutes and make a set of pads out of their skin. That should have been the end of the story, but Coops is a c*nt so sent a text from his wife's phone to Arv, Healy, Ratboy and Straussy an hour later saying that the skipper had not made it home. Ratboy and Healy sent standard, informative replies. The caring Straussy replied with "he is quite possibly chopped up like fish food in a bin bag in the boot of the car. Lock the doors and phone the police." And that left Arv. He called Coops' wife, frantic with worry, and then ended up calling the ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT It's nice to know Arv cares. The ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT demanded to know how Arv had got his number...luckily Arv made something up rather than "Coops sent your email to everyone on Friday predicting that you would be a nutjob".  The following day, Arv is complaining that the ESCAPED MENTAL PATIENT has started texted him saying how much he enjoyed the game. Later that day both Coops and Arv got a text, which I repeat verbatim below:

Hello all afraid after being hit by a full toss yesterday and a trip to a and e, ive landed up with a bruised thigh from running in the deep when i shouldnt aggravating an old injury plus the punjabi left me with a gattingesque goochesque bruised rib and a damaged finger sorry got to take 3 weeks enforced rest. Pls dont pick me. Thanks

Surely Putney haven't snapped him up already? Never a dull moment...